R.S.V.P.

A Response to "Observing a Grief: A Religious Response" by Fr. Razz Waff

I recently received a letter in response to my column that was in the January 1995 WiSSPers, the text of which follows:

Dear Fr. Waff:

I read with interest your column in the WiSSPers January 1995 newsletter. As a caregiver and bereaved parent I know all too well that infant baptism is not an option for a stillborn baby. For a lack of explanation and inability to understand church doctrine, I have seen many families devastated by what they felt was their church’s insensitivity to their spiritual needs ("baptism is not an available option... this will often come as a major shock to parents who expect that their baby...will be baptized"). Prayers and blessing were a hollow tribute when parents had assumed that baptism should be forthcoming. As you stated "sacraments are for the living as incorporation into the faith community." My question would then be, "what possible harm would there be if a stillborn baby were to be baptized into his parent’s faith community?"

I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,
Patty Lou Bryant
Director, Pen-Parents of Canada
Coquitlam BC V3B7J4
CANADA

What I will try to do is provide, as well as any "columnist" can, a response that is both personal for the writer and informative for the reader.

First of all, there are a number of questions that present themselves: What was the context in which pastoral care was provided? Was it by a hospital chaplain or by her parish pastor? What sort of job has the parish done in educating the faith community about baptism? Was the provider of pastoral care sensitive to her pastoral needs as well as her sacramental needs (expectation for baptism)? She then states that "Prayers and blessings are a hollow tribute." This raises some points to ponder as well. If, as a nurse, she is medically prevented from giving a drug or starting a procedure, does she do nothing or offer support and compassion perhaps by standing by the patient and letting him/her know that they are not alone? Might a response be to literally hold their hand or sit quietly next to them? At some point we have all seen situations where we would have loved to have done an intervention but it’s not appropriate, or the patient requests a specific medication but that is not appropriate either. In those cases we do not abandon the person, but instead stay with them. I have yet to hear a person say that such a response was "hollow." Without exception, people have stated "she was there for me even though she couldn’t do ...".

The letter then closes with "what possible harm would there be if a stillborn baby were to be baptized into his parent’s faith community?". A response to this could be that the parents are in the faith community, whatever it might be, by an act of faith and covenant. To go against the tradition they have expressed faith in would be to practice an "a la carte" religion — "x" is OK here, but I want "y" there regardless. If the parents feel so strongly then they certainly have the option, perhaps even the moral obligation to say "no more for us" and consciously leave the tradition. That certainly would be clear, articulate and forthright for both the parents and the pastor involved. Again, to expect a chaplain to intervene in lieu of a standing parish relationship would, by analogy, broach the same ethics of practice that exist between an attending physician and an emergency practice physician.

I hope that this has been helpful. As I stated at the outset, there are a number of questions — variables in fact — that I don’t have access to in making this response. Additionally, no two situations are utterly identical. But I hope that I’ve gotten across the point both in my original article and here that in my observation of clergy, both institutional and parish, all want to do the "right thing", although sometimes it may not be sacramental and instead pastoral.

My original column was intended to be a one-time affair, but if issues of religion and spiritual matters are of significant interest then perhaps the editor and I could work out occasional responses to questions and issues.

Fr. Razz Waff